Living an existence of 31 years on this planet so far, it has come to my attention that mustaches are quite possibly the funniest things in the world. It seems hilarious to me that guys would honestly sport a stache and be totally serious about it. Not that I’m outwardly mocking the many people out there who have them, it’s just that when I see you, you automatically bring a smile to my face.

I believe that there are three types of Stache Sporters. Yes, I’m saying that having a mustache is indeed a sport because a) There is constant movement: You have to actively battle the precise right growth of the stache, making sure that it doesn’t get too long as too overcome your mouth, or too short and then it would just be silly. b) It is a team sport: Of the dense population of Stache Sporters out there, it seems there is almost a brotherhood of men who don the hairy upper lip. Meeting in the mustache trimmer aisle of the store to swap war stories of staches gone awry, perhaps sobbing over hairs gone gray and the secret society of stache hair dyers to cover up the aging artwork which lies above the lip line. c) The most obvious point, the Uniform: Though there are a wide variety of mustaches out there, they all are very much related and proud. d) Direct Competition: Other facial hair designs such as the goatee, the beard or even mutton chops try and fail to be quite as personable as the tried and true classic mustache.

Now to get back to the three types, 1) Those Who Sport Them For The Funny: These are my favorite, though I’m beginning to think that some men whom I think may be a part of this category are actually a part of the next category. I think all mustaches make men look hilarious and if I were a man, it would be fun to have one because it’s like wearing a funny disguise all the time. Why do you think that popular costume with the glasses, big nose and mustache is so popular? Because it’s hilarious, that’s why. I can’t seem to take people who have mustaches very seriously because I think they always think they are secretly telling their own joke all the time. Like, ‘I’m totally sporting this mustache to be funny but you have to take me seriously so that makes it even funnier to me to watch you have to deal with looking at me with this caterpillar on my lip.’ 2) The Proud Wearer: These are mostly cops I think. I have no idea why a lot of cops have mustaches. It’s as if, they read what the stereotypical cop should look like, and they just decided to follow in suit. When they graduated from the academy, they got they’re badge, their gun and their ability to grow a uniformly, perfectly suited mustache. I think some of them might have fake ones that they put on for effect because really, can there seriously be that many cops out there who have mustaches in real life??!!! 3) Child Molesters: Everyone knows that all child molesters have mustaches. It’s part of being able to spot them out in a crowd. That, and big scary unmarked vans with no windows. It’s just the way that they are born I think.

In conclusion, I would like to thank the mustaches of the world. You not only bring the funny, but you also bring the creepy. Nevertheless, always a solid source of entertainment for me and many other loyal ‘stache supporters!


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