I laid my 4 month old Xavier, on his belly to take a nap 30 minutes ago (despite all the warnings I found on Google) and although he’s probably enjoying the most peaceful sleep he’s ever had, I’ve already checked on him (7), wait….(8) times. I blame Google. Since the night I went into labor, I’ve been Google-ing things, hey, look at that, turns out Google-ing isn’t a word, what if I spell it Googling. Nope. How about Googleing. Nada. Still getting those little red squiggle lines. Well that settles it. If its not even a word, I’m not living my life by what it tells me to do or not to do anymore.
I’ve been thinking lately about that saying that goes something like, “I wish I knew then what I know now.” Well, I’ve come to the realization; I kinda wish I knew now what I knew then. I don’t know if it’s the pregnancy brain, (which apparently is called ‘sleep deprived brain’ after the kid comes out) or what, but I can’t remember a quarter of the stuff I knew back when I was in school. Let’s start with Math. The other day I was trying to leave a tip and I had to scratch it out twice before I added it up right. Twice! And that’s just addition. Back in middle school I was doing things on a graphing calculator that’s equivalent to brain pornography. I couldn’t tell you the first thing about Trigonometry now, let alone how to spell it without the help of my little red squiggly lined friends. (9)I can’t even remember the books, the supposed Classic Books that I had to read for numerous book reports and projects. Well, as long as we’re being honest, to be accurate, I can’t remember any of the Cliff Notes that I had to read to make it look like I read those Classics. Can anyone tell me without looking it up, what year the Vietnam War started? Or ended? Or why marshmallows aren’t Vegetarian? The devices we rely on everyday are called Smart Phones as a constant reminder that we as a population are getting dumberer. (10)
Yesterday, I was alarmed to find a (11; but that one was because I had to restart his sleepy lamb. You Moms know what I’m talking about) mole on Xavier’s arm. I didn’t know babies had moles, I was a bit freaked out to say the least. I started trying to figure out if it had been there before and I just didn’t notice, or maybe it was even a birthmark. How was a such a bad Mom that I never noticed this before?! I decided to go in for a closer look and when I touched it, it instantly fell off. Oh yeah, a crumb from my sandwich I was eating over his head. (12) Good thing I wasn’t eating something with red sauce, that would have been alarming.
Did you know there is an insect called a Mayfly that only lives 24 hours? Could you imagine only living for 24 hours?! It takes me 10 minutes just to make a sandwich. I know what I wouldn’t do. I wouldn’t use any bathrooms, I’d just go, who cares? (13)That will probably save me a good 15-20 min a day, (if I don’t drink coffee!). I wouldn’t talk on the phone. That’s just a waste of time. I wouldn’t even get dressed, because if you think about it, if your just born, then you have to go buy some clothes and figure out your size and deal with people in line trying to use their coupons which are invalid on Saturdays and Sundays; not worth it. (14) I also wouldn’t small talk with anyone. If they wanted to I would insist on doing it while we were skydiving or something productive like inventing Duct Tape. In my world where I live only 24 hours, Duct Tape isn’t invented yet. On a side note, thanks to my red squiggly lined friends I just learned that it is in fact Duct Tape and not Duck Tape. That name makes a lot more sense now.
(15)…Ahhh screw it, I’m just gonna go in there and watch him sleep, I’ll be a lot more productive that way!
Comments
Ahhh we’re not getting dumber… the worlds just getting a whole lot larger… you have to admit, the only way we used to get a “text” was by pony express… and that was only if the bandits… er, “servers” decided to let them through LOL
And most of the stuff they taught us in school… whether it was
scientific porn or not LOL is completely useless… information
is only relevant if you have a passion for knowing it… we all
know what we are meant to know everything else is like water in an
over full glass… it spills over the edge and seeps away, leaving
what really matters behind.
You are as funny a writer as you are an actor, you should think
about becoming a humorist, and write a novel about your
adventures in motherhood for the present-day mother whose
life is filled not only with the “helpful” advice of your inlaws, but also the “helpful” advice of millions of earthlings who think they know whats best online 🙂
Better watch out, Xavier WILL know how to used your cell phone before hes 2 LMAO
Ahhh we’re not getting dumber…
the worlds just getting a whole
lot larger… you have to admit,
the only way we used to get a
“text” was by pony express… and
that was only if the bandits… er,
servers decided to let them
through LOL
And most of the stuff they taught
us in school… whether it was
scientific porn or not LOL is
completely useless… information
is only relevant if you have a
passion for knowing it… we all
know what we are meant to know
everything else is like water in an
over full glass… it spills over the
edge and seeps away, leaving
what really matters behind.
You are as funny a writer as you
are an actor, you should think
about becoming a humorist, and
write a novel about your
adventures in motherhood for
the present-day mother whose
life is filled not only with the
helpful advice of your inlaws,
but also the helpful advice of
millions of earthlings who think
they know whats best online 🙂
Better watch out, Xavier WILL
know how to used your cell
phone before hes 2 LMAO
So frakkin hilarious!!!
I am reading this in public and
just snorted. Thanks Mindy!
First of all that was so funny. Second every mommy sound just like you. So be relieved. I still don’t have my memory back instead my mind is filled with useless information that I can’t use. With all of this motherhood is a wonderful blessing . Breath it all in enjoy the ride it only gets better. 🙂
I saw Jackson had a birthmark on his leg one day while giving him a bath. I definitely tried to wash it off. More than once. These things happen.
That is so true. Trust your mommy instincts and talk with real moms.