My Addiction to Wife Swap, and Other First Time Momstakes…

IMG_1472I had a baby 3 months ago today. His name is Xavier and he is pretty rad. I have to say though, that I’m still not used to being a Mom.  I have no idea what I’m doing, and probably won’t for another 54 years from now. I figure by the time he’s 54 and 3 months, I might have more of an idea about how to do this whole Mom thing.

As of now, I spend a good deal of my day and night breastfeeding. Most pro breastfeeding Moms say that it’s great because it’s natural, it gives the baby all the nutrition they need, blah blah blah. The best part is, it’s a thrifty way to feed your baby. It’s totally free, which is a big bonus as these little humans tend to cost a bunch of money. He wants to eat nonstop, like a Hungry Hippo. They should make a kid’s board game called Ravenous Babies, now that would make for a fun family game night.  So while breastfeeding, instead of connecting with my baby on “the deepest level possible,” as they say in all the baby books, I find myself instead connecting with the reality show “Wife Swap.” It’s pretty ridiculous, but I dare you to watch the first 5 minutes and not get sucked in by an utterly unrealistic redneck family swapping Moms with an over the top posh beauty pageant family. Hilarity ensues, you’ll see.

Another part of my day is spent changing diapers. I think it would be cool if they combined diapers with the old Hyper Color clothes that were popular in the 90s. When the baby wet the diaper, it could turn all kinds of cool tie dye type colors. Then instead of people making faces when your baby sounds like they’re starting a Harley Davidson in their diaper, they will enjoy the colorful design, unique to that particular blowout. It will be magical; and like snowflakes, no two diapers will be the same.

Babies’ nails grow wicked fast. I use the term wicked not in a ‘Boston’ accent way like, “wow, that baby’s nails are wicked cool. “ I use it in the evil queen way, like when you get a new puppy. You love it with all your heart until you discover that his teeth are wicked sharp. Babies’ nails can also be pretty sharp, so before you gather the courage up to actually take nail clippers to them, they are constantly scratching themselves in the face. So, they either wear mittens all the time, which c’mon, nobody should be wearing mittens in Southern California. Or, he looks like he got in a fight with a cat and it used him as a scratching post. I had to find the Nail Clipper Courage pretty early on. It’s something deep inside you that you must meditate on for hours before it comes out of you. Like your spirit animal. Or nothing like that at all.

So far, Xavier is pretty entertaining. Why even right now while I’m writing this he’s singing to me. Or crying. Guess I should go check on that…

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